Fifty: Back where he started
by hit-the-road-jack
Summary: Christian is struggling with Elenas death. After attending her funeral he is thrown back to the dark side by what he finds there. His family barely recognise the man he is becoming, what exactly is the cause of his sudden change. CHEATING FIC.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey everyone, I have another fic on the go at the moment but this is another one that I have been trying to get from my head on to paper. It is a cheating fic of sorts, so have that in mind before you read further. Set when Teddy is 10 months old. Hope you enjoy. X**

**APOV**

I peek over the manuscript I am reading and glance at the clock on Christians desk for 20th time in as many minutes. 1:28 am, where the hell is he. I'm exhausted but determined to stay awake until he gets in, I won't put this off any longer. I listen intently to the soothing rhythm of Teddy's breathing over the baby monitor and smile, at least someone in this house is getting a restless sleep.

My eyes slowly, inadvertently begin to close on me as my baby's breaths begin to lull me to sleep when I hear footsteps in the hall. My eyes fly open and I sit upright, finally he's home. His foot steps get louder the closer they get and I brace myself for when he finds me here praying he is in good mood but knowing otherwise.

Finally the office door swings open and there he is in all his glory, my beautiful husband, my beautiful, haunted, fucked up fifty. His shirt is un-tucked, his tie loose and his face, tired, pained, desolate. The same face he has worn everyday for the past 2 months. I want to hold him, comfort him, take away his pain and love him but I fight the urge to run to him, too scared of the rejection I routinely receive. I miss him so badly it hurts, I want to make things right, but how can I when I don't know what's wrong?

"Ana why aren't you sleeping, you should be in bed" he tells me in a monotonous, emotionless voice. I know his words are not out of concern for me but because he was hoping he wouldn't have to face me. This has been his routine lately. Home late, out early. He's been avoiding me like the plague and I have tried to give him space, let him deal with whatever is bothering him in his own way but I can't go on like this. I want my husband back, I have to try and get through to him, make him talk to me.

"I was waiting for you, we need to talk...I...miss you" I manage to say stifling a sob.

He lets out a pained sigh and runs his hands through his hair in exasperation "Not now Ana, it's late. I'm tired"

I can't take any more of this "YES! now" I shout. "We are talking NOW, whether you like it or not. I can't go on like this Christian. This distance is crippling me. It's torture, I need to know what is going on, why are you punishing me? what have I done to deserve this?" I scream it all out before the tears overcome me and I breakdown in a sobbing heap over his desk.

Christian remains rooted to the spot, seemingly unaffected by my tears and sighs resignedly "Fine, if you insist we can do this now, but just remember you wanted this" and he looks towards me with a look of warning.

"Let's take this to Kitchen, I need wine" he tells me and my intuition tells me this is bad, really bad.

He pours two glasses of wine and takes two large gulps of his before refilling his glass. I am sitting at the breakfast bar and he is leaning against the cupboards creating as much distance between us as he can muster.

He raises his glass towards me, "You wanted to talk Ana, so talk" I have never known him so cold and clinical, not with me, not even in the playroom.

I take a calming breath and wipe the wetness my tears have left on my cheeks with the back of my hand.

"What is happening with us Christian? I feel as though we are losing each other. I want us to be good again. I miss you and want you so much. Please! just tell me what I am up against here" I beg.

He closes his eyes and scrunches his face as though in pain before flashing them opening and revealing a detached glazed look.

"Ana,before I go on I just want you to know that I never wanted it to be like this, I never thought it would be like this with you... I was wrong." his voice is controlled not betraying any emotion.

"I...I... oh, fuck it! I don't want this any more Ana! I want a divorce"... Silence, I'm stunned, _a divorce?, _he wants a divorce? I don't understand I can't find any words. I just stare at him with my jaw hanging in pure disbelief and I. can't. find. any. words, my mind is too chaotic trying processing what he said.

He opens his mouth to speak again and I'm still just staring eyes wide, "I don't love you anymore, I'm sorry...there's someone else"

Still no words,my heart has punctured, straight through the middle and I can feel it deflating, all the life hissing out of the wound, my insides are screaming in pain, he doesn't love me! there's someone else! he's cheating on me! Question after question bounces around my brain, how?, why? when? but I have no voice and my emotions are curdling together in the pit of my stomach, anger, betrayal, sorrow, sadness...love, and suddenly I'm hit with a wave of nausea as they all battle against each other churning my insides. I jump from my stool and fly to the bathroom, emptying all the contents of my stomach in to the toilet bowl, I am wretching like a woman possessed trying to expel the pain from my body until I collapse in complete exhaustion.

The darkness slowly begins to recede and I shakily make my way to stand, I don't know what I'm feeling at the moment but I have an overwhelming urge to be near my son, to find comfort from him. I can't face Christian, not yet, maybe not ever. I slip from the bathroom as quietly as I can and I'm relieved to see he isn't about. Heading towards Teddy's room I hear whispers coming from his office and realise he is on the phone my morbid curiosity over takes me and I stop, straining my ears to listen.

"How do you think she took it?... I don't want to talk about it baby" _Baby? _ah he's talking to the whore! the _someone_ else. _What the fuck_, here I am falling to pieces, his wife the mother of his child and he couldn't wait to speak with his home wrecking slut!

"I can't wait either, just give me a couple of days to sort this shit out...I miss you too, now get some sleep baby, sweet dreams" Bastard, so we are_ 'shit'_ he needs to deal with, me and his son! Who is this man? This is not the man I love, the man I married. My head just can't take anymore, I feel the weight of all I have heard bearing down on me like a lead weight and then I'm thrown in to darkness as my legs give way and I fall to the floor.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Wow, thank you to everyone for the reviews, pm's and follows etc I realise that the 'Christian Cheats' fics provoke some pretty strong opinions. I had a rough outline of this planned before I posted it but as I edit/write the story seems to take on a life of its own so things can change. The main jist of this is still the same though. This chapter is a shorty, apologies, further chapters will be longer, this gives Christians perspective and an idea of how things started going wrong. :-)**

**CPOV**

10 Weeks Previous

"Sir, I have some information regarding Elena Lincoln" Taylor tells me with a wary look.

My eyebrows shoot up at the mention of her name, she started contacting me again shortly after Teddy's birth. I've resisted her requests to meet in person and our contact has been strictly limited to telephone conversations. It was just polite conversation at first, her wishing me well, giving me her congratulations on the birth of my son. I never intended it to carry on but as time went on I found myself looking forward to our next conversation. Elena is the only person I know who is as fucked up as I am, and as wrong as I know it is and was, we share a bond that I seem unable to break. Ana has no idea and I intend to keep it that way, she never could understand my relationship with Elena and she certainly wouldn't understand this.

"What is it Taylor?"

"Sir, Ms Lincoln was found dead this morning, suspected suicide" he is watching me with bated breath waiting for my reaction.

I suck a lungful of air in through my nose and hold it for as long as I can before calmly breathing it out through my mouth. Taylor's usually stoic demeanor is looking increasingly concerned, poised for what ever out burst he is expecting me to have.

"You can leave now" I tell him through gritted teeth, whilst gripping the arms of my seat, fighting to keep my composure. He nods his head in understanding and leaves my office closing the door behind him.

I stand and a low menacing growl erupts from me as I set about smashing my office to pieces. I don't know what I'm expected to feel at this news, but what I do feel is anger, no, not just anger but pure unadulterated rage, I want to cause damage, destruction. I resort back to those long supressed urges to control, dominate, punish. I want to punish someone for this pain, _pain? _Is that what I'm feeling?

When my muscles eventually begin to tire from the destruction I am yielding I slip to the floor and rest my chin on my knees "Taylor!" I scream and within seconds he is in the door, surveying the mess before him. "Call Flynn, Tell him we're on the way now"

**CPOV**

8 Days Later

Tomorrow is Elenas funeral, I've had extensive sessions with Flynn all week trying to understand what I am feeling and why. So far I have worked out that I'm saddened and pained by her death. She was a huge part of my life for a long time, despite the nature of our relationship I do have some fond memories of her. I feel guilty too, she was as fucked up as me, I could have done more, I should have done more to help her. She kept trying to reach out to me and I kept shutting her down refusing to meet her for fear of Ana finding out. She killed herself, _fuck_, how shitty must she have felt to do that, she died feeling alone and I can't help but feel partly responsible for it. She was alienated from her social circle when my mother found out about our past relationship and before that she lost her husband, all of it was down to me.

Ana hasn't mentioned her death. I know she must be aware of it but she hasn't broached the subject with me and I'm glad. I love my wife but right now I have an irrational feeling of resentment towards her. She hated Elena with a passion, she won't shed any tears over her death and she will never understand why I feel so upset by it.

An argument with my wife is not what I need right now and I know that any mention of Elena and a fight would be the inevitable result. Thankfully she is too wrapped up in Teddy, ( as she has been since his birth ) to notice the animosity I'm feeling towards her.

Flynn thinks that after tomorrow I can close the chapter on Elena. Lay it all to rest with her and move forward with my life, with Ana and Teddy. I hope he's right for all our sakes.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:**** Again, thanks for the reviews etc, I love reading them all and the predictions of what might happen next, some of you are quite close. It's true CG is being a complete and utter nasty shit! Nice to see so many are team Ana! Keep them coming, pretty please. : )**

**APOV**

Present Day.

I'm aware of a sharp throbbing sensation on the side of my head and someone stroking my hand with their thumb reassuringly. My eyelids are still too heavy to open yet and I'm trying to gather my wits. My broken heart lurches as the memory comes back to me. He doesn't love me, he wants a divorce, there's someone else. I fell.

I'm brought back to the moment by the person holding my hand giving it a gentle squeeze, suddenly I'm filled with repulsion and snatch my hand from their grasp slowly opening my eyes.

"Luke?... where am I?" I look towards him and don't know whether to laugh or cry at the fact its him and not Christian that was comforting me. On the one hand I'm relieved I don't have to face him on the other I'm devastated that he cares so little not to be by my side. There was a time not long ago that he would have killed anyone who dared try to keep him from me or vice versa, especially if I was hurt.

"Shhh, Ana, everything will be ok. You took a nasty fall, you've only been out a few minutes but Taylor wants you to get checked at the hospital" he tells me as he takes my hand in his continuing his reassuring strokes and rests my head on his shoulder. I'm in the back of the SUV with Luke Sawyer my personal security detail and Taylor is driving.

"Wait!" I say in panic. "Teddy, wheres Teddy?"

"Ana, shhhh, don't panic, Teddy is fine, he's home sleeping and ...Gail will take care of him, Just rest now sweetie" he tells me as he clasps my head to his shoulder again and strokes the hair from my forehead. It feels wrong having Luke here soothing me but I'm so emotionally spent and confused and its been so long since I've been held in this way that I don't resist and allow myself to drift into a foggy sleep.

* * *

I think I've shut myself down. Grabbed my emotions, picked up the pieces of my heart and dragged them kicking and screaming into the dungeon of my mind and promptly locked the doors. I feel empty and numb but not so heavy. I can do this, right now I just want to get out of this hospital and be with my son. I will deal with Christian later, in my own time in my own way.

"Well, Mrs Grey" The Dr walks towards the bed I'm rested on "It seems you fainted, probably due to a drop in your blood sugar after you vomited and when you went down your head hit the floor rendering you unconscious. The scans and blood tests have all come back clear. You may have a slight concussion but I'm happy to discharge you as long you have someone around to keep an eye on you for the next 24 hours. You'll probably have a bit of a headache and might experience some dizziness that's quite normal, but if you get any extreme pain, blurred vision or numbness its imperative you get immediate medical assistance. Is that understood?"

Numbness, isn't that what I'm already experiencing, hmm, well, rather that than the alternative I guess. "Umm, yes, understood Dr Moore. Thank you, can I leave now?"

"Once I've signed all the discharge notes, just give me ten minutes and you'll be good to go" he tells me exiting the room as Taylor and Luke appear in the door way.

I give them both a half-hearted smile, I wonder how much they know about what happened. Was Taylor aware of Christians infidelity? Probably, the man is like his shadow. I go to stand and Luke rushes to my side holding me around the waist to make sure I'm steady before releasing me.

"Careful Ana, we don't want a repeat performance" he tells me in a worried tone.

"Hurgh Huh" Taylor coughs, and I notice his warning glare towards Luke. "_Mrs Grey," _ he starts, still eyeing Luke but I stop him before he can go on holding a hand up.

"Taylor, please don't call me that, you know I don't like it and right now it's the last thing I want to hear" he clears his throat

"Very well ma'am, Sawyer and I will be waiting outside when you're ready to leave" he say's then turning to Luke "Sawyer! a word, outside please" the tone and command in his voice doesn't go un noticed and Luke dutifully follows him out of the room.

I know exactly what has Taylors feathers ruffled but I'm pissed at his attitude. My husband has just told me he is leaving me for another woman and he is concerned because Luke is being overly familiar. _Well tough shit! _Of course Luke cares, I spend more time with that man than anyone, aside from Kate he is the closest thing to a friend I have thanks to the _piece of shit _soon to be Ex-Husband and I need my friends more than ever right now. I'm not stupid, I know that Lukes feelings for me are not entirely appropriate or professional but we've talked about it and we have an understanding. At least we did, he knew I loved my husband and accepted that friends was all we could ever be, Fuck Christian Grey!, I have no reason to feel guilty about this now. Not after what he has done.

* * *

As we turn into the drive way of the house I suddenly panic at the thought of being confronted with Christian, I haven't the strength to face him right now. I have so many things I want to say, questions I want to ask but I'm not ready yet.

"Taylor?... is...is..he here? inside?"

"Mr Grey is at Escala Ma'am" I breathe a sigh of relief and then the wells spring involuntarily from my eyes. Is he with_ her? _Is that where he has been all those late nights, at Escala, in the playroom with _her_. Is she prettier than me? better in bed? Does he _love!_ her? _oh god,_ _stop doing this to yourself!_

Heading into the house I see teddy sat in his chair at the breakfast bar chewing on a piece of toast. I rush over and whip him out of his chair hugging him to my chest as tightly as possible and showering his little head with kisses. He grizzles at me, obviously un impressed with my interruption of his breakfast. I gently strap him back in his seat and see Gail watching me with a sympathetic smile.

"Ana, you must be exhausted why don't you get some sleep. I can take care of Teddy until you're properly rested" She's right I am exhausted but I don't want to leave Teddy. He is the only thing stopping me from falling apart completely.

"I'm fine Gail, I want to..." She cuts me off mid sentence.

"Please Ana, you're no good to Teddy exhausted. Just a few hours"

"Ok Gail... thank you, wake me if you need anything" I give Teddy a sloppy kiss to the cheek and head for one of the guest bedrooms. I hear raised voices coming from the security office and realise Taylor and Luke are having a heated discussion but honestly I'm too tired to pay any attention and head to bed. Despite the tiredness I find it difficult to sleep as Christians cruel words from the early hours repeat on me, I don't want to cry but I'm losing the battle to hold the dam and when it inevitably breaks I cry myself into a fitful sleep.

**CPOV**

Elenas Funeral Day

I left the house early this morning before Ana or Teddy woke. Elenas death has hit me harder than I could've imagined. It has brought memories of my past life to the fore front of my mind and those long sleeping urges are awakening. I haven't had the compulsion to beat and fuck a submissive since Ana came back to me... until now.

Everything is going wrong, my marriage, my wife, my son, Elenas death they are all beyond my control. I can feel the pull for my playroom, I want to take Ana in there and beat the shit out of her, but I know I can't. She couldn't take what I have to give right now, I'd hurt her and I never want to hurt her again but it doesn't stop me wanting it.

I'd be punishing her for all the wrong reasons, for my own failings, for Elenas death, for loving our son._ Fuck!_, I'm such a fucking monster, what kind of man is jealous of his own child? _How about the kind that whips petite brunettes for his own sick pleasure Grey? _I love them, I love Ana, _and_ Teddy but I can't deny that sometimes I just want her all to myself, she's mine, I never wanted to share her.

I just can't be around her right now, how do I explain all this that I'm feeling to her of all people. My whole family, hell, even my therapist thinks she's some sort of miracle, a gift from god that has saved me from the clutches of hell. I promised her I didn't need it, she was enough and she was until now, how do I tell her that without destroying her, without losing her. See, this is what Elena and I shared, she understood my needs, she never judged, how could she? She new better than anyone what it's like to be fucked up beyond repair.

The SUV comes to a halt and breaks my train of thought. Taylor opens the door for me and I step out on to the church yard. The mourners if you can call them that, (Elena didn't exactly have friends) are filing into the church behind her coffin. I turn to Taylor and order him to stay in the car

"Remember Taylor, not a word of this to Ana" I remind him. He doesn't speak just nods his head and disappears back in the car.

I make my way into the church and slip into a seat on an empty row at the back. Glancing around I see a few members of the 'sub-club' sat together theatrically dabbing at their eyes with tissues. One of them spots me, Sarah I think, _fuck knows they all seem to blur into one these days. _she whispers something to the others and all eyes turn to me. I don't acknowledge them and return my gaze towards the front of the church.

"Is this seat taken?" I turn my head to the voice next to me and my breath catches in my throat as I look into the eye's, Ana's eye's, except it's not Ana, I lean back slightly, taking her all in, this vision of beauty, she's brunette but the light from the window casts an auburn shimmer and her olive skin is lightly bronzed. I feel the knowing twitch in my groin and shuffle along the bench a little to allow her access to the seat beside me.

"Please, be my guest" I tell her flashing my most dis-arming smile and waving my hand towards the bench.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hey everyone, so, this is the 4th Chapter. I just want to clarify a few points. I do not moderate reviews and as much as I love the good ones and even the mediocre ones, have no fear because the bad, ugly or down right derogatory ones do not put me off. Would it be weird if I told you that I get a strange sense of pride for every bad review? I just love that my words however badly they maybe written elicit such, forceful and, dare I say it? ...passionate reactions, I hope you all enjoy or hate the next chapter either way if I have hit that spot then I am over the moon.**

**Also, a few of you have asked me to clarify the 'cheating of sorts' comment at the beginning. I don't want to ruin the suspense by delving into that too much. What I will say, is that I find the perspective on what constitutes cheating is very subjective, what one person might consider cheating another might believe to be quite innocent.**

**I'm just doing this for fun, it's the first time I have ever written anything like this and as much as I hope I manage to entertain you all, in the end, it's all about me. ;-)**

**This chapter is all CPOV, CG is all over the place in this, it is intentional. Chapter 5 will be APOV and chapter 6 a mix of both. By chapter 7 it should stay in present time, the next 2 chapters should be up this week, I don't update at the weekend. X**

**CPOV**

Still the day of Elenas Funeral.

A subtle waft of sweetness is dancing around my nostrils, I detect a hint of orange and mango, it's quietly alluring and distracting me from the funeral proceedings. I mentally scold myself to get a grip. I came here to finally let go of the past, to say my goodbyes to Elena and all she entailed, not to start mind fucking the woman sat next to me.

I glance at her quickly, she's focused intently towards the happenings at the front of the church as the pastor recites his final prayer. She doesn't seem upset or saddened even, but I do detect a solemness in her. Everyone stands as Elenas coffin is carried up the aisle and I bow my head as it passes me. I'm glad I came, I needed the closure and now it's time to go.

"Well, I'm glad that's over, I don't know about you but I hate funerals. Did you know her well?" The beauty whispers towards me.

"Well enough" I tell her. "What about you?"

"I knew her as well as anyone. She didn't give much away but she helped me out a great deal at one point and it only felt right to pay my respects"

I'm curious now, I wonder how Elena might have helped her. She doesn't come across as submissive, she is standing tall and straight, her voice is soothing but controlled, she looks me straight in the eye as she speaks and she doesn't seem intimidated or affected by me in the least.

"So how did you know her exactly?" I ask with a knowing look.

She smiles ever so slightly and narrows her eyes at me before leaning closer towards me and whispering "We shared a similar lifestyle and _certain_ interests" before striding her way towards the exit.

"Wait!" I shout as I catch up with her "You didn't give me your name"

She turns on her heels to face me with a stern face but a glint in her deep blue eyes and holds out her dainty hand "Rachel Harrison and you?" I take her hand and pull it up brushing her knuckle lightly with my lips all the while looking into those alluring eyes.

"Christian Grey" I tell her. "Listen, I'm not going to attend the wake, it's not my thing but perhaps we could go for a quick drink somewhere now, share our memories of Elena, it seems fitting" I don't know what has possessed me to do this I was all ready to leave before she spoke to me but I'm mezmerised and intrigued by this woman.

* * *

Sitting in this quaint little coffee shop off the beaten track Rachel Harrison is blowing the steam off the top of the coffee I just ordered her.

"So what was your relationship with Elena, Mr Grey?"

"She was a family acquaintance, business partner for a while and we too shared similar_ interests_"

"Dominant or submissive?" She quickly responds, shocking me with her forthright bluntness.

I hesitate to answer and she goes to speak again. "Your secrets are safe with me Mr Grey, I will assume you are a dominant you have that aura about you. I too am of the dominant persuasion although I've only recently re-acquainted myself with the lifestyle."

She's a dominant, I should have realised, her demeanor say's it all "You assume correct Ms Harrison,"

The conversation continues with a pleasant easiness, we make small talk and share memories of Elena. She tells me about her job, she's a legal secretary for Burtons and Wheeler in Seattle. I know the firm although I have never had any dealings with them and I find she is acquainted with my father. She must notice my worried look at that and quickly reassures me that she is very discreet. I learn she is 26 and recently divorced.

At some point during our second round of coffees the talk turns more personal in nature. I ask the question that has played on my lips since she mentioned it.

"So, you said you have only recently become involved in the lifestyle again, can I ask why?" I ask her. Her eyes glaze over at the question and she gets lost in quiet contemplation for a while.

"I was 19 when I was first introduced to the scene by my then boyfriend, he wanted me to sub for him, I was curious and intrigued and surprisingly found that I really enjoyed it. We separated when I was 22 and I met my now ex-husband...I was head over heels in love but he wasn't a part of the scene and I gave it all up for him. Shortly after we married things began to change..." she glances around and lowers her voice before continuing "he wasn't into BDSM but he became really controlling, he constantly ground me down with cruel words and he was very...violent. It was never about pleasure. For 3 years I lived in constant fear of his next assaults, I had black eyes, broken ribs and the final straw came when he punctured my lung and caused me to miscarry our child. I was in hospital for a week and knew I could never return to him." She casts her eyes down for the first time since we met.

My blood is near boiling when she stops talking. If I could get my hands on the bastard that hurt her I would kill him slowly. How could anyone hurt this beautiful creature. Hit her with such force to break bones to murder their own child. A picture of Ana and Teddy surfaces in my mind and I'm tinged with guilt at how I have treated them lately. They deserve so much better than me, am I any better than the fucker that hurt this woman before me. _No you're not Grey, you don't deserve them, you never have, my inner demon warns me._ I should leave now, I know I should. _Go home grey, go to your wife and son...Why bother they don't need you, they'd be better off without you. It's not like they'll be missing you anyway. _Now my conscience is having an internal battle with the demon and as is usual lately the demon wins. So, I stay and listen to the rest of Rachel Harrison's story.

"When I returned to Seattle I bumped into Elena, she asked if I was still into the scene, she wanted me to sub for one of her clients but I had no interest in it. I had tired of being controlled, dominated and beaten and she offered me an alternative. She trained me to be a dominant and gave me back that control I had lost with my Ex. For the first time in years I felt strong, confident and in charge of my own destiny. I will always be grateful to her for that. She gave me focus and it helped me get my life together." The similarities between us does not go unnoticed by me. Essentially, Elena did the same thing for us both, my issues may have stemmed from the abuse I suffered as a child whilst Rachel was an adult but the end result was the same. Elena gave us both the ability to channel our insecurities and come out stronger.

Rachel's dominant persona is soon back in charge as she ends the conversation telling me she has things to do but we exchange numbers and agree to meet up again soon. It's been cathartic talking with her, I didn't have to sugar coat anything or tread carefully around the subject of BDSM she understands it, she gets it, its liberating.

* * *

Arriving back at GEH I realise my phone is still switched off. I lock myself in the office and power up the blackberry. I have 3 missed calls and 2 emails from Ana.

* * *

From: Anastasia Grey

RE: Missing you...

To: Christian Grey

Dearest Husband,

Ted and I missed you this morning, will you be joining us for dinner this evening? It would be nice. I realise we are both so busy at the moment but I think a little family time would do us all the world of good.

Plus, I'd like to re-connect with my Husband in that special way only he knows how ;-)

I love you. XX

Anastasia Grey, Assistant Editor, Grey Publishing House.

* * *

From: Anastasia Grey

Re: Are you there...

To: Christian Grey

I tried to ring... missing the sound of your voice. Andrea said you were out of the office, I guess your busy.

Please try to be home for dinner, I have some rather saucy thoughts on what we could have for dessert. I've been craving that very specific flavour that only Mr Grey has to offer ;-)

Love you, truly, madly, deeply.

Anastasia Grey, Assistant Editor, Grey Publishing.

* * *

_Fuck_, why does she have to be so perfectly sweet. I'm such a fucking shit. My wife _is..._ missing me and I spent all morning talking with not to mention fantasising about another woman and all that after attending the funeral of someone she despised with a passion. The guilt is back in full force now. Ana is perfect in every single way, she loves me! though i'll be fucked if I know why. I don't deserve her love, I don't deserve to be happy. If she knew the thoughts I had been having lately she'd walk out the door and never look back.

I'm just about to compose a reply when the computer pings alerting me to another email. It's Ana again.

* * *

From: Anastasia Grey

Re: Sorry...

To: Christian Grey

to bother you again. I just wanted to let you know that Jose called just now to tell me he is in town on Wednesday. He wants to take Kate and I to dinner. You're welcome to join us if your not too busy. I promise to take security if you can't make it.

Love you, your Ana. XX

Anastasia Grey, Assistant Editor, Grey Publishing House

* * *

And just like that, the guilt recedes and is replaced with anger. That fucker Jose, always there waiting in the wings for me to fuck up. I hate him! He wants in Ana's panties and she is too god damned blind to see it. '_He's just a friend Christian' _ Ana's voices whines in my head. Like fuck he is. The arguments we have had over that man and she always fucking defends him. Talk about double standards!

Only Ana is allowed friends of the opposite sex, friends that would jump her bones given a seconds chance. Me? ha no way, she would have my balls in a vice grip. I think about Rachel Harrison again, how easy the conversation flowed, how comfortable I felt in her company. So what if i'm attracted to her, nothing could ever come of it, she's a dominant for christs sake, perhaps we could be friends, no harm in that right? _Who are you asking Grey? or who are you trying to kid more like since when did you do the friend thing?_

* * *

From: Christian Grey

Re: Your messages...

To Anastasia Grey

I am indeed busy, sorry for not getting back to you sooner.

I will do my best to be home for dinner but I have some late conference calls to make so don't be upset if i'm not.

As for dessert, I have missed your flavour also but I'll make it up to you soon.

We will talk about Jose later!

Christian Grey, CEO, Grey Enterprise Holdings

* * *

I re-read the message before hitting the send button, knowing she will read too much into my tone and the lack of endearments but the mention of Jose mixed with my own feelings of guilt and self loathing are potent and cleanse me of all niceties, it's not that I don't want to be the nice loving husband she deserves, I just can't seem to find him at the moment or even pretend to be him. She knew what she was getting into when she said 'I do'. I'm Fifty shades of fucked-upness and counting.


End file.
